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| Volume 2: The Death of Flesh, the Death of Dreams | Part II: A Moment of Joy in a Lifetime of Sorrow |
THE Way of the Warrior: If you fight, fight without fear. If you love, love without reservation.
My father said that to me, a long, long time ago. I used to think he was the wisest man who ever lived. He probably was, too. He taught me so much. I wish he was still here. Him, I could talk to.
Don't look back. Never look back. That's what he would say. What's past is past. What's dead is gone. Learn from your mistakes, yes, but don't spend the future remembering them. Cherish the moments, because ultimately, they're all we have.
Good advice. I used to believe it. Once.
That was before.
That was before I killed my wife. That was before I was accused of treason and forced to flee from the last remnants of my people. That was before I was forced into working for a man I neither like nor trust. That was before I raised my hand against my own people. I may not have actually killed any humans, but that isn't the point. I fought against them.
Before....
Everything seemed so simple then. The war with the Minbari. Us against them. So simple. And now.... now it seems I don't know who I'm fighting. I don't know why we're fighting them. There's a larger power game going on here. G'Kar, I trust. A little. He genuinely believes that what he's doing is right, which puts him at least one step above me. Bester.... him I don't trust.
I'm a little maudlin tonight. I'm not drunk. I don't think I can ever do that again after watching what it did to Anna. All right, there was that one exception. Duly noted for the record. Just after she died. Delenn and David managed to talk me around. Okay, case noted. Just for the record.
No, I'm not drunk. I'm just maudlin. Everyone else around me is bustling with their own affairs. David's off somewhere on the station. I think he's found someone over there. I wish him luck if he has. He'll probably need it. Major Krantz is running the night watch aboard the Parmenion. Lyta's off.... doing whatever it is telepaths do. Delenn's still on that mission of hers....
There's not much to do at the moment. We shut the Streibs down. The Minbari are still falling apart at the seams. The Shadows have shifted back behind the scenes. The Resistance Government is still setting things up for the next stage in the war. Bester's quiet. G'Kar's gone back to his Machine.
This won't last. It never does. But, for the moment, I find myself alone. My least favourite place to be. I'm alone, with my past, and my memories, in a darkened room with only the words of my dead father to keep me company.
And I wonder how much better things would be if I'd never been around to interfere in anything.
Commander David Corwin of the Parmenion, Captain Sheridan's right-hand man for over ten years, found himself laughing. Laughing a lot. He put down his glass of wine and began dabbing at his lip with his napkin.
Dr. Mary Kirkish, archaeologist, former employee of Interplanetary Expeditions and currently Chief Archivist here on Sanctuary, smiled, and found herself laughing as well.
"You know, my mother warned me about people like you," she said, her voice completely serious, but her eyes belying her stern tone.
Corwin managed to stop himself laughing at last. He took a glass of wine. "What? You mean she warned you about men who crack up laughing half way through the cat story and spill wine everywhere?"
"No. Soldiers. Only after one thing, each and every one of them. Those dashing uniforms.... they'd all try to sweep me off my feet. She might well have had you in mind when she said that."
"Oh? She sounds like a very smart woman. For what it's worth, my mother warned me about women like you."
Commander David Corwin had seen many things in a very eventful life. After the sight of those Shadow ships descending on him at the Battle of the Second Line, he'd doubted he'd ever be afraid of anything again. He'd rather have faced all those ships again than relive the twenty minutes after he'd finished dressing, but before he was ready to meet Mary for tea.
There weren't any restaurants as such on Sanctuary, but it was possible to get some sort of fresh food from the Narn ships that passed through secretly. Corwin had even been able to get hold of some half-way decent Narn liquor that tasted almost exactly like wine.
They had eventually decided on her place, David having admitted that his cooking skills were somewhat less than adequate. Mary hadn't said anything about hers. At least not at the time. Only upon arrival did David discover that she had drafted in a little help. Michael Garibaldi, Bester's Executive Officer and Liaison to the Parmenion, and cook extraordinaire, accompanied by his very pregnant wife Lianna. The four of them were currently about half way through Garibaldi's meal and Corwin was trying unsuccessfully to relate the infamous military myth of Crewman Johnson and his cat, a tale that had been handed down quite possibly for centuries.
"Heard it," Garibaldi said, with perfect aplomb.
"Ssh," Lianna hissed, elbowing her husband neatly in the side. "You'll give away the ending."
"The butler did it," Garibaldi said helpfully. Mary rolled her eyes, and Corwin began to laugh again.
"So," Corwin said, once he stopped laughing, managing to take his eyes off Mary for the first time that evening, "when's little Garibaldi coming?"
"Any day now," Lianna muttered. "And the sooner the better."
"Oh, you look lovely," Garibaldi protested.
"Michael, you are either blind, or you actually like women who look as though they've swallowed a whale. I can't even see my feet. I wonder if they look happy?"
"Lianna! I refuse to describe your feet to you."
"He slipped cute little clown slippers on you this morning while you weren't looking," David remarked.
"Oh, it's all right for you," Lianna replied jokingly. "You don't have to go through this. I mean, look at me! I'm fat!"
"No you aren't," David said.
"Well, all right," Garibaldi said, looking at David and winking. "Maybe you are a little on the large side."
"What?!"
"Let's stop after we've had six."
Mary smiled and David began another coughing fit. Lianna was turning bright red. "Six? We're only having one. I'm not going near you again after what you just said."
"So," Mary asked. "Have you finally agreed on a name yet?"
"Frank," Garibaldi said, exactly at the same time as Lianna said, "Alfredo." The two looked at each other.
"Frank Alfredo?" Mary suggested.
"Or how about Alfredo Frank?" David chipped in.
"Michael," Lianna said, speaking very slowly and patiently, as if to a small child. "Alfredo was your father's name, and it's a tradition. Firstborn son is named after the paternal grandparent. Tradition."
"Okay," Garibaldi replied. "So what do we do once we get past four?" Lianna glared at him and he giggled. "I know, I know.... it's just that... well, you know how much your dad meant to both of us...."
"I know, but he'd be the first arguing for this. Well.... that would be after the heart attack on discovering I got married to 'Uncle Mike'."
"Oh, now you're making me feel old."
"You made me fat. I think that's a fair trade-off."
"The Boss wants the baby named after him, you know," Mary said.
"Oh?" David said. "I thought he'd settle for a tithe. You know, first-born son and all that."
There was a metaphorical drop in the metaphorical temperature. "Only if he's a telepath," Garibaldi said. "And there's no fear of that, thank God."
"I was.... just...."
"Don't worry," Lianna said. "Bester just keeps to the old Psi Corps rules, that's all. I've seen him take children away from their mothers just minutes after they're born." She looked at her husband. "He did it to Talia last year. As far as I'm aware, Talia hasn't seen her daughter since. Actually, I haven't even seen Talia in the last few months."
"Talia?"
"A telepath, P five," Garibaldi supplied. "A lot of telepaths died during the war, and the Boss is trying to up the number a bit. There are still so few of them, you know."
"Yes, I know," David said, but he also knew something else, something that he didn't mention. Telepaths were a vital weapon against the Shadows - probably the only weapon they had. Bester and G'Kar were frantically trying to breed telepaths - G'Kar even using telepathic DNA to re-create a new breed of Narn telepaths. David had seen what the full cost of a telepath's life could be here on Sanctuary. Alisa had been little more than a child, and she had collapsed and died on the bridge of the Parmenion, burning out both her powers and her life.
He was thankful that Michael and Lianna's child wasn't going to be born a telepath.
And then, to lighten the air, he tried telling the cat story again. He got almost three-quarters of the way through this time.
* * * * * * *
Starkiller. That's what the Minbari call me. I told Delenn once that I was proud of that title. Given in hatred by an enemy in memory of our only victory over them. I was proud of it, but no longer. I'm sick of killing.
What did my victory over the Black Star actually accomplish? It revealed no crucial weaknesses in Minbari tactics. It didn't save Earth. It didn't save my father, or Anna, or Elizabeth. It was a one-shot deal at best.
Looking back, it's hard to find anything that I have done that has made a difference. Weighing my life in the balance, what is there? Life or death? Would I pass through the gates of Purgatory?
No need to answer that. I think I've always known the answer. I'm not sure if a Hell does actually exist - although if it does then it has to be the sight of Earth once I got back there, too late to do anything about it. But if Hell does exist, then surely I'm going there.
That's fine. I never used to think about that. The Way of the Warrior, remember. Worry about the present. Tomorrow can wait. I always used to console myself by thinking that, even if I would fail at Purgatory, then at least I made a difference to someone.
I'm doubting that now.
Oh, these worries have been with me for a while, but it's only now I'm alone that I'm having to deal with them. It's easy to forget things like this in battle. There you have to worry about the present. I've always been told that one of the greatest tactical skills is the ability to think on your feet. I can do that. I've always been able to do that. But it does mean that I can't think of the future.
Anna. I stopped thinking I'd have much of a future with her after Elizabeth died. I can keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault, and some days I even manage to make myself believe it, but what happened to Anna afterwards.... that was my fault. If I'd paid better attention to her, if I'd spent less time on my ship and more time with my wife....
No point worrying about that now. That's what my father would say. If only it was that easy.
And then there's Delenn. I suppose this was bound to come back to her eventually. After all, it all began with her. She started this war. She started my involvement in this side of the war with the Shadows. She.... It seems that every choice I've made in the last year has been connected with her in some way.
And now she's gone. Just as it was in those last few years with Anna. I don't know where Delenn is, or even if she's still alive, but she's definitely lost to me. Maybe I can change that. Maybe I can't. Maybe I don't even want to. She's a Minbari, for God's sake! She's.... she was Satai. It was her vote that started this war.
She's also alone, and afraid. Exiled from her own people, distrusted by all of mine. Even David can barely stand to be around her. I've seen the pain she's in, but even through it all, her heart shines out.
So how do I feel about her? Is she going to be my reason for going on? I don't know. Anna. Delenn. Anna. Delenn.
I wish Dad were here....
* * * * * * *
It was Mary who first noticed that something wasn't quite right. Well, apart from Lianna of course, who was somewhat closer to the action than the others. David and Michael were arguing over who would have won the '49 Baseball season if there'd ever been one.
"I'm telling you, the Mars team would have swept the boards," David was saying. "How many records did they hold for most home runs in a season?"
"Only due to the weaker gravity," Michael retorted. "They'd have been lucky to hit the ball further than the length of this room once they got to Earth."
"That's nonsense. Who would you put forward then?"
"Uh, Michael...." Lianna gasped. "Michael...."
"What?" he said not turning around.
"I think.... the tenancy's up...."
Garibaldi's head shot round so fast he almost got whiplash. "What?"
Lianna was breathing slowly, her face contorted with pain, one hand on her swollen belly. She managed a faint smile.
"Oh, God," Michael breathed.
Mary was the first one to her feet and at Lianna's side. "Look, all we have to do is get her to Medlab, right?"
"Wha'?"
Mary sighed, and turned to David. "Can you lend us a hand here or are you going to spend the rest of the evening burbling in the corner too?"
"I had several elder sisters," David said. "I think I can help." He went to Lianna's side and helped her to her feet. She was quite unsteady. David activated his link. "Commander Corwin to Medlab. Baby on the way."
"Understood. Do you want an emergency team?"
Lianna shook her head slowly. "No," David said. "We'll be there ASAP." Slowly, he and Mary led a gasping Lianna from the room. Michael was still staring.
"Wha'?" he said.
* * * * * * *
I remember the day Elizabeth was born. It was on Orion 7. I wasn't there. I can't remember why not - some sort of scouting mission. Something bog-standard. We were in communications silence, though. I remember that very clearly. It was just as well. If I had known then I'd probably have torn back so fast the Babylon would have left skid marks behind.
She was premature. By two months or so. I still don't know why Anna went into labour so early. Probably nothing special - just one of those things. There were a lot of complications, apparently. I wasn't really listening when it was explained to me.
I'll never forget my first sight of Elizabeth. Anna and I had decided on that name back even before we were married - we used to joke we'd tithe our first-born to Lizzy for matchmaking. Elizabeth for a girl, David for a boy. Anna.... had never been close to her parents and she didn't have any brothers or sisters.
I rushed into the Medlab and skidded to a halt, paralysed. There they were. My daughter. My wife. Anna was asleep. She looked exhausted, but I thought when I saw her that first time after the birth, that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.
The doctors told me that Anna was fit. She'd lost quite a bit of blood - the complications had been very severe - but she would recover. We wouldn't be able to have any more children, but that didn't matter - not from my first sight of Elizabeth.
She was hooked up to some sort of machine. I can't remember what it was for. All I remember is seeing her, motionless, so tiny, dwarfed by all that technology - plastic and wires and tubes. She could have been an exhibit in a museum case.
I'd missed the birth of the only child I'll ever have. I swore then I'd never miss anything else of hers. Her first steps, her first words, her first questions, her first love, her wedding, her children. I lied. I hardly saw anything.
I didn't even see her death.
Just one casualty among countless others during the fall of Orion. The colony was destroyed in a Minbari attack. According to Delenn the attack was an accident, a misunderstanding. She may have been lying - I don't care. That attack destroyed us - destroyed everything. It destroyed humanity and it destroyed my marriage. Neither Anna nor I could ever be the same again. The first signs had been there before Elizabeth's death, but I think we would still have been together if it hadn't been for that.
I loved Elizabeth. She's probably the only person I've ever loved in that way - completely, utterly. No reservations, no doubts, no fears. She was the one thing of true beauty I ever created in my whole life.
I miss her. Her more than anyone else. She was an innocent.
I used to believe that was why I was fighting - that was why I destroyed the Black Star, made the alliance with the Shadows - to save the innocent. I don't know if I still believe that.
I don't know.
* * * * * * *
"How are you feeling?"
"Buh-huh?"
"Ah. That good, eh?"
"Buh-huh." A nod.
"Ah." David blinked and looked away. Mary was with Lianna, having dispatched David to keep an eye on Michael and prevent him from doing anything that he'd regret later - like ambling into the fusion reactor. She needn't have bothered. Michael Garibaldi was almost a statue, unable to move, think, or even speak coherently.
"It'll be fine," he tried reassuring the soon-to-be father. "It'll be fine. Lianna's healthy. There've been no problems. The doctors here are good enough. It'll be fine."
"Buh-huh?"
"Mr. Garibaldi?" David turned. Michael didn't. It was Dr. Hobbs. "The baby's coming. It's safe for you to come in now."
"Buh-huh?"
David grabbed Michael's hand and pulled him in the right direction. Dr. Hobbs rolled her eyes at him.
David smiled.
* * * * * * *
I loved Elizabeth. I loved Anna, too, but not in the same way. Anna and I.... it was always so long-distance. Me on the Babylon, she on those archaeological expeditions she loved so much. At least when she was still doing them. After Elizabeth died, she stopped. It's funny. We were further apart when we were together during those years than we'd ever been when we were apart before.
Anna always used to love her archaeology. She said it was about the only thing she'd ever been good at. Digging through the rubble of the past.... I remember her laughing as she wondered whether some alien would be doing a survey expedition on Earth a million years in the future....
I knew how much she loved them, and I didn't mind. Her cousin used to look after Elizabeth while she was away, and I pulled strings to be near Orion as much as possible. It wasn't that I was too busy to be there when Anna was around.... well, yes, it was. But these were the times I didn't pull the strings.
She had a saying. Love knows no borders. She was right, and she was wrong. Love knows no borders of distance, or geography, or walls. Borders of the mind and the soul are a different matter entirely.
How many borders are between us now? Borders of memory? Borders of fate? The same fate that put her in that place at that time? Will the two of us - the three of us - ever meet up again afterwards, in a place where no shadows fall?
Of course we won't. What do any of us have to look forward to? Worms in the ground, the purity of flame, a slow drift into the emptiness of space? If we're lucky.
Love knows no borders. What about borders of race? Of skin and bone? Of history? Of a stain of blood that can never be wiped clean?
I'm back to Delenn again. More than Anna, almost more than Elizabeth, she's been dominating my thoughts recently. What borders separate the two of us now? Can we ever get past them?
Do I even want to?
When was it I first began to think about this? When I returned from Narn to find her almost broken, torn apart body and soul? When I took her on board the Babylon to save myself as much as her? On board Babylon 4? When she brought me out of my despair at Anna's death? When we were in that cell on the Minbari ship - talking and telling jokes and just.... being together? Or was it when I almost kissed her, and she collapsed in my arms?
I don't know. I don't think I can pinpoint it. It probably doesn't matter. I can't recall the moment I first realised I loved Anna.
I'm not even sure if I do love Delenn. How can I love her, for God's sake? But.... she's so alone. I know that solitude - I've been there. The Starkiller - hero, champion, saviour. Just words. Words that set me apart from everyone else. Even David. Especially Anna.
She's alone. Maybe that's it. I can empathise with her. Maybe even sympathise with her. But can I forgive her?
Ah, that's the question.
Do I even know the answer?
* * * * * * *
Beauty.... perfect beauty.
And then David Corwin turned from the sight of Michael Garibaldi and Lianna Kemmer Garibaldi cradling their baby to see Alfred Bester enter - a darkness in the light. Corwin's gaze was disapproving. Surely they were entitled to this moment of happiness? He tried to change his expression, but then he realised there was no point. Bester could surely sense any false emotion he tried to project.
Bester seemed distracted, though. He was hesitating at the doorway, as if he were.... afraid to enter. His expression was tinged with.... if Corwin didn't know better, he would have said it was fear.
Michael looked up. "Hey, Boss," he said, regaining the power of speech at last. "Come on in."
Bester smiled and nodded his head slightly as he entered. He brushed past Corwin and Mary as if they were not there. "So," he said, his voice betraying a hint of something other than his usual sarcastic superiority. "Have you two decided yet? Is it Frank Alfredo, or Alfredo Frank?"
Michael let out a slight chuckle, and Corwin found himself smiling as well. He glanced across at Mary, and their eyes met. She was smiling too.
"Ah," Lianna said. She was breathless and she looked a mess, but there was a genuine sense of peace in her eyes. "No.... we've been a little.... busy. Why don't.... why don't you pick a name for him."
Bester's eyes widened, and Corwin smiled again. It was good to know that even a telepath could be surprised now and then.
"So," Bester said. "A.... name? Umm.... Frank's a good name. Yes.... a very good name."
Michael smiled. "Thanks, Boss."
Lianna smiled softly. "Would you like to.... hold him, sir?"
"I.... Yes. Thank you." Gently, Bester took the baby from Lianna and held him cradled against his chest. A genuine, tender, sincere smile spread slowly across the telepath's face. Corwin was watching closely and there was no chance that he was mistaken. "Hello, child," Bester said softly. "Welcome to Sanctuary."
Corwin raised an eyebrow. His gaze was not as focussed this time, and he could not be certain, but just for one moment he believed he saw a soft tear in Bester's eye.
But it was only for a second, and then it was gone.
* * * * * * *
I'm sick of being alone, but isn't that where we all are? We're all alone, alone where and when it matters. No one else can ever truly understand us. Most of the time we cannot understand ourselves. From what Delenn told me about Minbari beliefs the universe doesn't even understand itself, so how can any of us hope to understand another?
I think Dad could have answered that one, if only he were here. But he isn't, and so I'm on my own again. Alone, trapped in darkness, surrounded by silence, with only my thoughts and my memories for company. I'm seeking understanding, but all I'm finding is circles. Everything leads back to where it all started. Sooner or later, everything heads back to the beginning, and there's nothing to show for the journey.
My, aren't I philosophical tonight?
I wonder where Delenn is now. I wonder if she's alone, in darkness, in silence. She's always been alone, at least she has been ever since I brought her to Proxima.
Perhaps that's why I feel so close to her. Kindred spirits. Lonely ghosts each seeking an anchor. Forced together by fate - the same fate that killed my wife to let me be with Delenn?
NO!
I don't believe in Fate. I killed Anna, not some mystical entity - not God, or some Great Maker.... me! Do I even deserve to love again? Do I deserve that right? Do I even deserve to live again?
After what I did to Anna, how can I ever think of anyone - of anything - of being with Delenn - without remembering what I did to Anna.
Alone. That's the best idea. Alone in life, or alone in death. Does it matter which? Is there even a difference?
Alone....
* * * * * * *
"Did you see his face? My God, I thought he was about to pass out there and then."
"I don't know about his face, but it certainly did something to his vocabulary. Unless he was speaking some obscure dialect where the only word is Buh-huh."
"He'd probably make more sense that way."
David and Mary came to a stop, arriving at the door to her quarters, several hours after they'd left it. Lianna, Michael and the baby were all asleep in Medlab.
"We'll have to have dinner again," David said. "Hopefully one where we won't get interrupted."
"You mean one where you'll be able to finish off that joke of yours."
"Yeah, that too."
Mary unlocked and opened her door. She made to enter, but then she stopped and turned. She just looked at David for a while. He stared back at her, lost in the sight of her eyes.
"What?" he chuckled.
"Nothing," she smiled. "Do you want to come in? You can finish off that joke."
David would rather have faced the entire Minbari fleet than say no. He told her so. She smiled again and the two of them stepped inside.
The door closed behind them.
* * * * * * *
Back to the beginning? Weigh up the scales. Life or death? Good or evil? Redemption or damnation? Back to the beginning again.
Well, it's been an interesting trip down memory lane, probing all the inner feelings of my mind, but it hasn't got me anywhere, except even more maudlin than I was before.
Anger, hatred, love, pity, peace. It's all evaporated now. No, the anger hasn't. That's still there. That'll always be there. Anger at myself, at the Minbari, at Dad and Anna and Elizabeth for dying, at Delenn for getting me into this.... at everyone.
Always anger, and where has it got me?
Where?
An unmarked pod, drifting aimlessly through space, my body held in stasis while all around me people die, hate, love, live, fight, struggle. How much is one life worth?
How much is one death worth?
Captain. You are not alone in your pain. No one is.
Her words. I remember them. Her words. Not alone.... Maybe not. Maybe not.
No. I can feel you out there, Delenn. I don't know where, but I can feel you. I'm not alone. I guess.... I guess I just never realised that before.
Thank you.
"Lights."
His room was suddenly filled with light, and he was forced to blink for a few moments. He'd been sitting in darkness for so long, his eyes had got used to it. Slowly, he rose to his feet and winced as the cramp in his legs caught hold of him.
"Ow," he whispered, rubbing at his shin. He stretched and yawned. He was tired, but not alone any more.
Slowly, John Sheridan bent down and touched the object that had been on the floor in front of him, a mere hand's reach from where he had been sitting.
It was his PPG. He looked at it for a moment and then replaced it in his holster. He looked around his room, and his lips twitched in a faint smile.
"Happy birthday, John."